RAMBLINGS OF A FOOL

And so, it happened again, a trip to Malacca.

It had been planed for about a week.

It was more of a day's trip after exams.

For Mabel...um...I think it was a trip to eat.

The plan was:

1. Mabel would take a bus up to Malacca.

2. We would go down to Malacca.

3. We would meet.

4. We would eat.

5. We would go back.

The night before, I wrecked the plan.

I had beer on the balcony as usual.

Then I took DORMICUM!

The name keeps coming up cause it causes lots of things to happen.

Or in this case, NOT happen.

So, I drugged myself and in the morning when Mabel called and told me that the bus would only reach in the evening, I, in my drugged state, told her that I didn't wanna go and that I wanted to cancel the plan.

When I really woke up, DAMN!

One word...

GUILT!

But then Nabila and Jin kinda wanted to go still, even though it was already 4pm.

Shower, shit and shirt later, we were out the door, in the car and driving at 110kmph.

When we finally reached, Nabila started taking pics of well...she's weird la, Esso stations and Mydin!

At least I took the below photograph while waiting at the many, MANY traffic lights.

We parked, paid RM5 for it, then off to Jonker Street for food by 6.30pm.

No one had eaten breakfast or lunch or had anything in their tummy. So off we went to look for the Chicken Rice Ball place.

Makan, makan, makan with cendol which was yucky cause they used powdered santan.

Then, walk walk walk...found the next cendol shop with laksa.

Jin had the Baba laksa, I had cendol again (yes, I'm aware that I was going to camp in the toilet that night), he also had some Baba dessert and Nabila had some fruit thing.

It was the same shop Shan and I went to in 2007. Same seats too.

As usual, Nabila did her hiao pose.

And somehow we managed to get a pic with all of us in it.

Right after, we walked along Jonker and Nabila bought a watch and a Chelsea lighter with fuel.

Jin and I went to draw fake tattoos that might last from 1 week to a month. Then off to the necklace shop to buy anklets and a necklace for Nabila. 3 for RM10!

I got mom a coin purse.

Then to complete the experience we went off to makan Satay Celup.

It was a totally different place than when Shan and I went. This one was the well known one.

The uncle at the parking place cycled in front of us to show us the way cause he was on his way home.

So nice right?

We gave him RM3 for his work.

Jin loved the Satay Celup. He likes it MORE than Lok Lok!

I am not okay.

I am not okay at all.

Regardless of how much I pretend to be.

Regardless of how much I run.

Regardless of how much I want you to believe.

Regardless of what I say.

I am not okay.

I'm not okay at all.

Prozac and anti-psychotics work better than I expected them to.

But that day, it stopped working.

The Sunday that just passed, I sat in my bed and cried like a baby.

When you left, I cried for a day.

Then it stopped.

It stopped quite abruptly.

I've been stoic ever since.

About us.

But, that Sunday, I cried.

I looked everywhere in my room and realized that you were gone.

You were really gone.

And I'm living in the past.

Everything I've done for you,

Every memory we built,

ITALY,

Every time I helped you with your dilemmas,

Your assignments,

AIR topics,

Literature review,

Neem Topic...

It's all gone.

4 years of my life, just evaporated.

And the worst part is,

You took everything else with you.

You took everyone else with you.

Our mutual friends.

Everyone of them.

You left me miserable.

Miserable and alone.

I'm trying to build a wall of bricks.

But, they're falling apart.

I don't have the strength to.

I miss you so much.

Much more than I dare admit.

How could you find it in you to be so nasty?

I would never understand how people could be so nasty.

I can never understand how people forget.

Why don't I forget?

Here I am.

Sitting alone.

Forgotten by everyone.

I can't even smile for real anymore.

The pain shows in my eyes.

I compared pictures from now and from when we were together.

I look haggard.

I look like I'm running from everything.

You can see my age showing.

My eyes has lost it's childish glow.

Look at me.

I'm not the same person anymore.

You killed me and left me.

Forgotten.

I am sick and tired of my family.

I want a father who cares enough to give my mother due respect and love.

I want a grandmother who respects my mother.

I want someone who cares enough to tell me to abstain from doing all the wrongs I have been doing.

I want to give someone everything I have.

I want to be acknowledged.

I want to be acknowledged as being a good person.

I'm weak.

I know.

I'm jealous.

I know.

I'm trouble.

I know.
I come with baggage.

I know.

Have you ever observed the grains on a piece of polished wood?

All the imperfections polished to look like it's perfect.

I stared at it for an hour today.

I don't know why.

But, I did.

Then I observed this chipped side of the table.

It was rough.

You could get splinters from touching it.

Somehow, it was more beautiful than the polished wood.

I like how imperfect it was.

I like your rough edges and the splinters that comes with it.

I'm not 6 months too late.

I've been trying for 6 months to no avail.

I know how it would end.

I knew the ending to the story before I even started to read it.

I predicted it.

Momentary bliss.

Followed by emptiness followed thereafter.

Motto of my life.

Today, mom and I spoke for the longest time.

I miss her.

Gonna see her soon.

Miss Jamd-Jamd.

Patches hates me so, I guess I don't miss her as much.

I want my bed.

Every morning I open my eyes hoping to be in my room instead I open my eyes to a hell-hole with the devil dwelling in it.

I'm drinking coffee again.

Oh, yeah, I can't seem to emphasize how much you make me smile.

Like a grinning puppy every time I speak to you.

Today, I decided not to call.

My fingers are itching.

But, I'm gonna restrain myself.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I hope.

I want what I want.

I would if I could, but I can't so I won't.

Yes, Mabel, I'm 'flamboyant' with my words.

LOL

I hate this taste in my mouth.

It's dry.

I want you.

Yes, it's all about me.

It's MY blog after all.

Missed out on a few bricks cause I was avoiding the net a lil.

Having my 'Memorably' at Old Town again.

It's been a weird week.

I've got an ice-queen in my room.

I've got insects in my shower.

And my throat hurts like fuck from God knows what.

I miss my mom.

Happy Father's Day dad.

I want a Zippo.

I need new shoes.

I must have a bicycle.

If you are listening God, I wish things work the way I want them to.

I keep staining my shirt with whatever I eat.

Mostly white shirts.

Last night was nice.

A cool night on my balcony, couple of chairs, bottles of beer, left-overs from TGI Fridays and a smoke or two.

The movie 'Drag Me To Hell' wasn't as scary as I wished it could be.

I want it to rain.

I wanna watch 'The Last House On The Left'.

I still haven't fully recovered from my flu.

Mabel, I miss you.

Desmond, can't wait to catch up with you.

Lyn, I hope you feel better today. I wanna call but I see that you're online and I know you'd wanna sleep early. But, I'm bugging you online anyway.

Jin came back yesterday.

Deepak came back today.

I don't understand why people read my blog and don't leave comments.

Hmm...what should I do now?

Btw, I'm a very jealous person.

Today I was nearly locked out of my room again!

Thank God I took my keys with me when I went to lepak at Nabila's.

So, skim boarding and swimming.

You're indeed a water creature eh?

I seem to like water creatures a lot.

They all make me smile.

You especially.

The tailor-made day still stands.

I watched the movie 'The Covenant' again.

Man it's good.

Mom and dad are at it again.

Soon I might just become an Indonesian PR.

How fucked is that.

The plan in progress is that we sell all our property in Malaysia and move there permanently.

As in NO HOUSE IN PENANG!

Even though the Acheh government has given us two palace like mansions, one for my mom and one for Linda and her thing of a child, I don't think I want it.

Not the houses, not the cars, not the status.

I want my Penang life.

I like it.

I love it.

And I hate to be away from you.

Really.

Lol.

That's why so rajin go find out about your course.

Closer.

I checked up about my exchange program.

The University of Liverpool is one of the partners.

I didn't realise where I am now is ranked 47 in the world while The University of Liverpool is ranked 133 and The University of Reading is ranked 194 all by QS Unversity Ranking.

I hope I made a good choice.

I miss you, you stinging creature.

I grinned like a silly puppy the whole of last night after we talked.

Nabila would look over and laugh at my silly expression on the way home.

I looked silly with the little side grin.

But you made me smile.

Even though the day revealed so many things to be sad about.

I had one thing to smile about.

You made me smile.

Even when you're mean.

You make me smile.

Last night, after being at Kopitiam, I went home, unloaded my wallet on my table and hung out at Nabila's room cause, as usual, my roomate turner off the air-conditioning.

So I read and eventually fell asleep.

Nab woke me up to go back to the room.

I tried to open the door only to find the room locked!

I knocked. It turned into a bang!

She didn't open it.

I spent my night on the dining table cause the two seater couch would give me a neck ache.

So the table was my bed.

How great is that?

Imagine looking up at the sky.

Lay down your head gently.

Close your eyes a moment.

Then open it again.

Soak it all in.

Day or night.

Soak it all in.

The world is beautiful.

And sometimes we let it pass by.

Sometimes we forget to stop and look and enjoy.

Sometimes we forget to take it all in.

Sometimes, we just forget to live.

You're my confidante.

You're the only one I've let in.

You've seen me cry.

You've made me cry.

You've stopped me from crying.

You're blind for not seeing me.

You're a dancing flame.

You're a fish in the sea.

You have the power to make me.

You have the power to break me.

You have the power to love me.

You have the power to hate me.

Your smile makes me smile.

Your quirky remarks make me laugh.

Your way of life amazes me.

Your wickedness draws me.

Your inability to understand me brings a small laugh.

Your ability to sting brings me to the ground.

I like your frown.

I like your smile.

I like my inability to like you.

I like where we are now.

Maybe you can't seem to see what I'm implying. I'm not living in the past. I just picturing the future. The thing is, you're in that picture. But. it all seems like a lost cause.

If only you'd understand.

It started out like any other night.

Dinner; at the chicken rice shop next to the Satellite chicken rice shop in PJ.

Then a quick stop at 7-eleven for 2 cans of 'Whatever' and 1 can of tea.

Then back to the condo where we parked then went to the bus-stop to hang out.

It wasn't late.

It was hardly 10.

I had a pack of Reds on me.

I had a lighter on me.

We had 2 decks of cards.

A box of shortbread.

And 3 idiots who didn't wanna go back to that small cube we call a room.

One of the idiot had conjunctivitis.

The other had back problems from sitting.

And I, was my usual self.

Then the one with conjunctivitis went back.

Soon after was replaced by the fella with back problem's friend.

We huffed. And we puffed. And we walked all the way to get more.

Yes, I walked. 

Far far, the distance it was. 

But, we walked. 

And perspired.

And bought a pack of construction workers fags, menthol, I might add.

Trudged all the way back and huffed and puffed.

Then we had the munchies.

McD didn't wanna take our orders.

System down.

Too many orders.

Jaafar sent us fries and burgers and one awesome-hell-of-a teh-ais!

Then it got crazy.

I wanted a picture of me in the middle of the road.

So we did it.

Twice.

The clock struck 6am.

Gates were opened.

Shower.

7:45am, left the guy with the back ache and his friend who incidentally had back problems too.

Aeroline.

Another medical course mate needed a lift too.

All that's well, ends well.

For them.

I came back with a stomach filled with bitter venom, saved for that thing that lives in the same cube as I do.

Dare I call it 'hate'?

Despise would suffice.

It's polite.

I ignored the 'thing'.

Funny story, true story...I missed you despite all.

Somehow you made me smile.

But, I would never be the same person that you met in 2005.

That person is long gone.

What's left is sad eyes, sleepless nights and a heart broken into a million little pieces.

If I could take back what I said to you, I would.

It was stupid, trivial and pubescent.

But, I did.

So you would know that I'm more than meets the eye.

More than the jerk I portray.

But, I am a jerk.

I'm an arsehole.

I'm a bastard.

I'm everything that makes it easier to harden myself.

To push things into a tiny, tiny, tiny, little box and store it at the back of my mind.

And I know it will explode one day.

And turn into a self-estruct mode.

And was it worth it?

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

I'm just a person who wears my heart out on my sleeve.

I'm just a person with a self-destruct button.

It leaves 16 hours

If sleep takes up 8 hours

It leaves 8 hours

If exercise takes up 4 hours

It leaves 4 hours

If shower and poop and food takes up 3 hours in total

It leaves 1 hour for personal time

But, on an off day,

There still is...

Minus 8 hours of sleep

Leaves 16 hours

Minus 4 hours of exercise

Leaves 12 hours

Minus shower, poop and food of 3 hours

Leaves 9 hours

Out of the 9 hours

Keeping in touch with friends takes up 4 hours

Which leaves 5 hours

And out of that 5 hours

2 hours is personal time

Which gives a grand total of 3 hours of nothingness